mighty forces

McCain/Grilled Cheese ’08

In response to mounting criticism of his initial pick of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain has announced today that he has replaced Palin on the ticket with a grilled cheese sandwich.

Conservative media across the internet and cable networks hailed the new VP choice as inspired and inspiring.

“A grilled cheese sandwich will never raise taxes on your family farm, ” said conservative commentator Jonah Goldberg. “And who doesn’t love a good grilled cheese?”

National Review editor Bill Kristol said the pick was “made from a position of strength,” showing that McCain wouldn’t need any handholding to govern the country and destroy terrorist thugs hell-bent on killing Americans and their dogs.

“A grilled cheese doesn’t even have hands,” said Kristol.

“Grilled cheese is delicious, and would never perform a late-term abortion on a human baby,” enthused Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “And if the grilled cheese should be called to serve as President, it would be surrounded by the best possible team of advisers.”

Questions about the grilled cheese’s lack of experience on the national political stage were quickly brushed aside.

“Did Jesus serve in the U.S. Congress?” said Evangelical minister Rick Warren. “I can assure you, he did not. And would you attack Jesus for his inexperience? I look forward to praising God alongside our new Vice President, Grilled Cheese Sandwich.”

UPDATE: Why is Winston Smith copying me?

Sarah Freakin’ Palin? Really? Really?

I’ve got to tell you that when I finally learned late this afternoon about John McCain’s beyond-disastrous pick for VP, it’s been the first ray of sunshine I’ve felt since this campaign began. I can’t stop smiling.

This is comedy gold, people. Comedy gold.

“Let’s say a constituent calls you and says that a caribou has wandered onto his front lawn,” [McCain] said.  “My friends, Barack Obama wouldn’t know what to do.”

He used the hypothetical situation to draw a sharp contrast with his vice-presidential choice: “Sarah Palin would take out her gun and shoot the caribou.”

The VP debate: Biden v. Palin. I’m having a party. Seriously. Want to come?

UPDATE: For some brutal yet truthful non-comedy on the Palin pick, you could start with this beautiful post on Democratic Underground.

Democrats are pussies.

I can’t believe I’m agreeing with Pat Buchanan. But I’m listening to him comment on MSNBC about the Democratic Convention so far, and he said something to the effect that all the speeches have sounded like “technocratic speeches written by a computer.” And that’s true.

Where’s Bush? Where’s Cheney? Where’s torture, Abu Ghraib, Katrina, the housing crisis, gas prices, wiretapping, and on and on? Where’s the anger? Where’s the determination to fix this shit pile we’ve (willingly) stepped in? Politics ain’t beanbag, and they better get going, or they are going to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory yet again. And that pisses me off. Step up, goddamnit!

Turn, turn, turn

A friend of mine was with her young daughter in the grocery store this week, when they passed the People magazine at the checkout with photos of Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi’s wedding.

“What if I decided that I wanted to marry another girl?” my friend’s daughter said with that amazing directness children have.

“Well, if you were in love, and wanted to get married and spend the rest of your life with someone, that would be wonderful, whether it was a girl or a boy,” said my friend.

It’s with those sorts of off-the-cuff, informal, seemingly insignificant conversations that everything changes. Those tiny moments move the world.

I’m still alive.

Word of the day: onomastics.

Being famous is no fun

“I can only read ‘haggard old hole’ so many times before it starts to hurt.”

-Kathy Griffin riffs on her online celebrity coverage