mighty forces

The five stages of Sarah Palin

DENIAL
“I can’t believe they’re doing this. What a stupid pick. Don’t they realize what a boneheaded move this is? I can’t wait for the VP debate.”

ANGER
“They’re getting away with it! Those bastards are going to win again! No one cares about her background, or how her personal narrative is a lie, or how inexperienced she is. Why are people so frackin’ stupid?”

BARGAINING
“Maybe people will wake up and see how shallow and vain and political this pick is. Maybe ‘Troopergate’ and all the rest will matter, once the blush is off the rose. For once – once – maybe voters will be smart about this.”

DEPRESSION
“They’ve fallen backwards into clover again. Those villains are putting up a soccer mom as a shield, and it’s going to work. I hate everything and everyone. I just want to crawl into a hole and die.”

ACCEPTANCE
“If they win, they win. We get the government we deserve, again. Good luck, Sarah.”

At this point, waiting for Sarah Palin’s big speech tonight, I’m currently at “depression.” Which is not a fun stage, let me tell you.

Having it both ways

Let’s face it – Republicans are masters at spin. How else could they make John Kerry into a traitor and John Edwards into an elitist?

But the effort to shore up Sarah Palin is epic. My favorite so far was Cindy McCain’s assertion that Palin did know about foreign policy because of Alaska’s proximity to Russia.

Then there’s the whole pregnancy flap. What bothers me the most about it is that they want to use Palin’s background and family for their own ends – hockey mom, PTA member, raising a Downs syndrome baby – while simultaneously declaring that 17-year-old daughter Bristol Palin’s pregnancy is off limits. Live by the sword, die by the sword, people. And the most humorous aspect of all this is that they only revealed Bristol’s pregnancy to blunt an even worse internet rumor that Sarah Palin faked her last pregnancy to cover up for her daughter.

Memo to Republicans: try to start vetting candidates for national office more than a day before their candidacy is announced.

Of course, there’s Troopergate and the “I don’t know what the VP does” video and all the rest of it. This is going to be fun, and it’s funny but almost uncomfortable watching Republicans twist themselves into knots explaining what a great pick Palin is.

“May you live in interesting times,” indeed.

UPDATE: After noting the perhaps obvious fact that Palin supports “abstinence-only” education in schools, Thomas Schaller of Salon has a spot-on point:

“What’s galling is this: When the subject is a pregnancy to an unwed, minority teenage mother growing up in some (presumably Democratic) urban area, that pregnancy becomes fodder for lectures from conservatives about bad parenting, the perils of welfare spending and so on. But when the subject is a pregnancy to an unwed, white teenager from some small town in a Republican state, that pregnancy is…a celebration of the wonders of God’s magnificence–and choosing life!”

UPDATE 2: Salon commenter Juliebird has another great question for the McCain campaign:

What will McCain and Palin do to support other teenaged, unwed women who “choose life” when faced with an unplanned pregnancy?

Free prenatal care? Expert medical care for labor and delivery? Free pediatric care? Help, support, and love for the young mother and baby? So the mom can get an education, get a job, get good childcare, and maybe get married?

UPDATE ON COMMENTS: For the few people reading here, remember that my current template doesn’t have the usual comment links on the front page. If you want to comment, you need to click on the post title to get to the post detail page, where you can read comments and add your own. I’m trying to fix this, but in the meantime, there it is. Thanks.

McCain/Grilled Cheese ’08

In response to mounting criticism of his initial pick of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential candidate, Sen. John McCain has announced today that he has replaced Palin on the ticket with a grilled cheese sandwich.

Conservative media across the internet and cable networks hailed the new VP choice as inspired and inspiring.

“A grilled cheese sandwich will never raise taxes on your family farm, ” said conservative commentator Jonah Goldberg. “And who doesn’t love a good grilled cheese?”

National Review editor Bill Kristol said the pick was “made from a position of strength,” showing that McCain wouldn’t need any handholding to govern the country and destroy terrorist thugs hell-bent on killing Americans and their dogs.

“A grilled cheese doesn’t even have hands,” said Kristol.

“Grilled cheese is delicious, and would never perform a late-term abortion on a human baby,” enthused Fox News’ Sean Hannity. “And if the grilled cheese should be called to serve as President, it would be surrounded by the best possible team of advisers.”

Questions about the grilled cheese’s lack of experience on the national political stage were quickly brushed aside.

“Did Jesus serve in the U.S. Congress?” said Evangelical minister Rick Warren. “I can assure you, he did not. And would you attack Jesus for his inexperience? I look forward to praising God alongside our new Vice President, Grilled Cheese Sandwich.”

UPDATE: Why is Winston Smith copying me?

Sarah Freakin’ Palin? Really? Really?

I’ve got to tell you that when I finally learned late this afternoon about John McCain’s beyond-disastrous pick for VP, it’s been the first ray of sunshine I’ve felt since this campaign began. I can’t stop smiling.

This is comedy gold, people. Comedy gold.

“Let’s say a constituent calls you and says that a caribou has wandered onto his front lawn,” [McCain] said.  “My friends, Barack Obama wouldn’t know what to do.”

He used the hypothetical situation to draw a sharp contrast with his vice-presidential choice: “Sarah Palin would take out her gun and shoot the caribou.”

The VP debate: Biden v. Palin. I’m having a party. Seriously. Want to come?

UPDATE: For some brutal yet truthful non-comedy on the Palin pick, you could start with this beautiful post on Democratic Underground.

Democrats are pussies.

I can’t believe I’m agreeing with Pat Buchanan. But I’m listening to him comment on MSNBC about the Democratic Convention so far, and he said something to the effect that all the speeches have sounded like “technocratic speeches written by a computer.” And that’s true.

Where’s Bush? Where’s Cheney? Where’s torture, Abu Ghraib, Katrina, the housing crisis, gas prices, wiretapping, and on and on? Where’s the anger? Where’s the determination to fix this shit pile we’ve (willingly) stepped in? Politics ain’t beanbag, and they better get going, or they are going to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory yet again. And that pisses me off. Step up, goddamnit!

Can the New Yorker be that stupid?

Yes, they can.

This cartoon is the illustration equivalent of Pauline Kael’s “I don’t know anyone who voted for Nixon” remark.

Words mean things

Once Dubya is finally safely tucked away in Crawford next January, can we please scrub the word “Homeland” from our national vocabulary? Please? It’s creepy and exemplifies everything that’s wrong with the current administration. It’s fascist, xenophobic, authoritarian, jingoistic and anti-intellectual all at the same time – quite a feat, really.

Get rid of it.

Obama is Hitler!

If you want an object lesson on how crazy Obama makes right-wing crapweasels, give this FreeRepublic comment thread a read. They are crazy and frankly, evil, which isn’t a good combination.

Here’s a taste:

“Will they be breaking windows out of Jewish owned businesses afterwards?”

“No, they’re saving their hatred for whites. They’ll be attacking white homes and confiscating white owned bank accounts and businesses. Then they’ll kick whites out of school and seize the children of white Republicans and people who have voted conservative in the past. Then blacks will be released from prison to make room for future dissidents.”

Quote of the week

On the not-particularly-mourned passing of uber-racist-crapweasel Jesse Helms:

“I imagine Jesse Helms on his way to Heaven right now, and hearing on his arrival, ‘You were qualified for a place here, but they had to give it to a minority.’ ”

-Balloon Juice commenter RSA

Runner-up:

“Yeah, there’s a reason to be sad. That he didn’t live to see a black man win the presidency of the United States.”

Another good one, from a Salon commenter:

“Helms was a cynical demagogue, supporter of military juntas, advocate of oppressive political regimes, and avid bigot who freely used his power to batter those not so well situated. Oh, and a slum landlord to boot.

Given all that, getting proverbial knickers in a twist over ‘speaking ill of the dead’ is absurd. Dying doesn’t make you a better human being, it just means you’re dead. If you want people to say something nice about you after you die, don’t be an asshole.”

Centrist

So apparently Barack Obama is against same-sex marriage, supports warrantless wiretapping, thinks Wesley Clark dishonored McCain’s service, and wants to expand Bush’s “faith-based” initiatives and the death penalty. Hey, maybe next he’ll advocate nuking Paris because “those people look French.”

This “moving to the center” stuff is fun, huh?

I’m glad I’ve given up caring about any of this crap. Both sides can go to hell, as far as I’m concerned.