It was from a blog on the Harvard Business Review site, of all places, innocently titled “Job Seekers: Get HR on Your Side.” If you’ve read this site before, you probably know that there’s no love lost between me and the vast majority of the Human Resources profession. But this article went above and beyond.

Purporting to show the value of HR, and why job hunters should “challenge their assumptions” about HR, it actually went on to emphasize how all those negative things we think about HR are basically true.

Yes, the author says, HR is basically out to eliminate you from the stack. No, they probably don’t know much about the job. Yes, they often value superficial niceties over real qualifications. Yes, they spend as little time as possible on your resume. Yes, they will likely act bored and dismissive towards you.

But suck it up, job hunter, because that’s the way it is.

The “case study” involving Zappos was even worse, depicting a hapless candidate who was rejected until he could show that he would obey every whim of HR without complaint – and with a smile.

“Any time I asked him to do something like tweak his resume, he didn’t give me an attitude, he just did what I asked,” said the HR manager. “He was very friendly and grateful for my help.”

My translation? “You’ll take my crap, and you’ll like it. Or I’ll make your resume into kindling so fast it will make your head spin, buddy.”

I’m not saying that this isn’t in fact the way the hiring world works, by and large. But asking a job hunter to celebrate it? That’s like a lower-middle-class guy cheering when Herman Cain shouts, “If you’re not rich, blame yourself!” That’s like the guy behind the counter at 7-11 smiling when he hears Gov. Scott Walker blame unions for his upside-down mortgage.

Got a bit political there. Sorry. Ahem.

But my point is – yes, as job hunters we have to work within a terribly flawed and frustrating system. But please, don’t ask us to like it. There are millions of people out of work in this country today, fighting mightily to stay in their homes and put food on the table. Thanking HR for their obstructionist ways is an insult to all those people and their efforts.

A while ago I applied for a job in the state system. I filled out the online application, which basically involved restating my resume in prose form by filling out a series of online form boxes. It was a job that I was extremely qualified for, and my background exactly matched what they said they were looking for.

Well, man plans, God laughs, as they say.

A few weeks later, I got a form letter from the state in the mail that was supposed to list the “score” I received on the initial application. (With the state, they pretend that everything about jobs is impartial and quantifiable.) But in the box where my score would be, it was printed: NOT ELIGIBLE.

I called the number on the form letter, thinking that either this was a mistake (unlikely), or that it was such an outlier that they would have to explain why my application rated NOT ELIGIBLE.

I was heartened at first that they seemed helpful, and promised to call me back with more information.

When they did call back, a very nice lady told me that she called to tell me that the criteria used to judge my eligibility was private or classified or some other HR term.

Thanks – you’ve been helpful!

What lessons are we to learn from this?

1. Your humble correspondent is also out there, trying to get a job.
2. The chances of getting usable feedback about why you didn’t get any particular job is practically nil.
3. Despite this and many other setbacks, press on. “If you’re going through hell, keep going,” as Winston Churchill said. If you read this site, you’re already avoiding a lot of potential pitfalls that other job-seekers are not.

The horrible truth is that job hunting contains many of these little indignities. But it’s not personal. It’s not you. It’s just the system.

Press on.

What does that mean, exactly? It means several things.

Preparation
First, it means that before the interview (really, before you sent in an application for the job) you were convinced that you could kick ass in this job. Not “yeah I could probably do that,” or “I guess I could manage to work there for a while.” It means after looking at the job description, and doing your research on the job and the company, you’ve come to the conclusion that if they don’t hire you personally, they will regret it for the rest of their miserable lives.

You’ve matched up carefully and in detail all their requirements with your experience and talents. You can articulate off the top of your head, clearly and simply, why you are the perfect candidate for this position. If you can’t, sit down and write it out. And not just that your experience fits the job, but also that you have unique qualifications that your competitors don’t.

If you’re coming up empty on this, your time is better spent finding a different job to go for. (See “No carpet bombing.”)

In the interview
Once you’re in the room, here’s the goal: make them envision that you are already hired. A great question to jumpstart this process is something like: “What challenges do you see [this job] facing?” If you’ve done your research, you probably already know some of what their answers will be. Then have followup statements worked out that show how you would do the job if you had already started that morning, and how you’ve dealt with similar situations in the past.

The responses don’t have to be perfect, or even match up exactly with the interviewer’s expectations (you’re not a mindreader). But what this shows is that you are prepared enough to step into the job instantly, armed with solutions to the problems the employer is trying to solve. You’re not some formless blob of clay ready to be molded into something that might be useful in the future – you can do it now. And you can’t wait to get started.

Everything you do in the interview should show that you are already doing the job you’re being considered for. Think of it not as an interview, but as a staff meeting where you are outlining your strategy as a new employee.

Asking a fair amount of questions is good, but don’t ask anything that you should have found out in your research. Ask questions that will help you understand more in detail what they need – which will lead to responses that show them you know how to fill those needs.

This isn’t about being pushy or controlling. It’s about not just sitting passively waiting for questions, but instead engaging the interviewer on the level they would interact with an employee. Do that, and you will be head and shoulders above the other candidates.

Oh, and don’t forget that firm handshake.

Maintain a firm handshake! Be on time! Be positive! Don’t answer your cell phone during the interview! Dress appropriately!

Thanks – how helpful! You left out how I shouldn’t wear nothing but a shaving cream bikini to that interview for the bank manager job.

The fact is that job interviews are largely horrible, tremor-inducing affairs that rank right up there with visits to the dentist on the “stuff I want to be doing right now” meter. They are the gauntlet of the job interview game. And no simplistic checklist is going to really help you get through it.

So here are what I think are the two most important things to keep in mind about job interviews. First: relax!

A tall order, right? When I was interviewing for journalism jobs, even though I had at that point been a reporter on a daily newspaper for six years, at every interview I was a twitching, sweaty mess. My heart was beating a mile a minute, and I probably appeared to be having a heart attack in the reception area.

What was happening was, I was psyching myself out. They won’t hire me, and then what will I do? They’re going to see through me – I’m not much of a reporter. What if they ask a question I can’t answer? I need this job so bad!

I never did get another job in journalism.

Years later, when I was interviewing for tech temp jobs, I had no problem with interviews, and ended up landing most of the projects I interviewed for. Two things changed: first, I was much more confident in my abilities as a web geek than I was as a reporter.

But even more important, I started to look at interviews differently. I realized that if I got to the point where I was in the door being interviewed, I had already climbed most of the way up the mountain. They already *liked* me. That’s a great accomplishment, especially these days. And I started to look at interviews as just as much me evaluating them, as they were evaluating me.

This isn’t about arrogance. You’re still selling yourself and your abilities, and there are competitors also cooling their heels in that reception room. But it helps immensely to realize how far you have already come, just by getting in the door. It makes it a little easier to think of the interview as a conversation between people with similar interests, and less like a Klingon pain stick ceremony.

Well I’ve spent so much time talking about relaxing, I forgot about the second thing I want you to remember about interviews. That will have to wait for next time…

“In my “Objectives” section, should I say I want to ‘acquire’ a position or ‘obtain’ a position?”

Neither, I thought. (I’m difficult like that sometimes.)

These days, there are tons of sites online that purport to give you insider information about job hunting, resumes, etc. I find a lot of it, especially the stuff about resumes, to be worse than worthless. One site, helpfully titled “Resume Objective,” gives as an example an “Objectives” section at the top of a resume submitted for a job as an actuary:

Want to obtain a respectable position in the actuarial field where quantitative and analytical skills can be best utilized for the growth of the company. Seeking a post as an actuarial analyst with a consumer based organization that leads to provide good premium policies.

Great. So you’re applying for a job as an actuary, and you just spent two sentences – at the top of your resume, no less – assuring the employer that you were in fact applying for the job they advertised.

This is not a good use of such prime real estate.

As I said in “It’s not about you,” the employer probably already assumes that you meant to apply for their actuary job, not for a job as, say, a pastry chef. I’m sure they consider themselves “respectable,” and they probably already know that the job involves “quantitative and analytical skills.”

So I’m begging you – don’t plop a “Goals” or “Objectives” section at the top of your resume. As I keep saying, the employer doesn’t care what your goals are; they have a problem, and need to figure out quickly whether you have the chops to solve that problem for them.

A much better idea would be a “Professional Summary” section, where you write a value-packed paragraph describing how your background fits what the employer needs. Rewrite this with each resume you send out (see “No carpet bombing”).

Ten years in the actuarial field, including experience in auto, life and homeowners insurance products with several top-50 firms. Moved from intern to managing a small team within three years. Saved my current firm $3 million over five years by installing more flexible statistical software.

See the difference? (I made up all those details, but you get the idea.)

This is just another flavor of “Show, don’t tell.” But because it comes right at the top of your resume, it’s extremely important – whether you want to become an actuary or a pastry chef or anything in between.

“The internet isn’t written in pencil, Mark,” she says. “It’s written in ink.”

It’s an important idea – one that sometimes gets lost as we immerse ourselves in Facebook and Twitter and political blogs and all the rest of the digital footprints we leave around the web on a regular basis.

These footprints are easy to follow, especially for someone like your prospective employer, who has a vested interest in finding out as much about you as he possibly can.

One of my favorite examples: several years ago, a couple of extremely vile right-wing bloggers, Kim and Connie du Toit, were trying to set up a business developing software for homeschooling parents to track their children’s educational progress. Good idea, but even they didn’t expect that their online output (which included calls for turning Mecca into a glass parking lot and the lynching of their political enemies) would be a problem in a seemingly unrelated field.

But when potential investors read their blogs, the investors (understandably) ran scared.

Now I’m guessing that your Facebook output probably doesn’t include calls for mass murder of Muslims. But it’s important to remember that the impression you make on an employer extends far beyond your carefully-crafted resume and cover letter.

You can spend a lot of time and energy doing things like researching the black arts of Facebook privacy settings. But another way to go would be to consider, every time you leave a footprint online – is this something you wouldn’t mind your mother reading about you? How about your boss? How about Anderson Cooper?

Yes, that’s a harsh, and not very fun, standard. But when you’re looking for a job, isn’t your prospective employment more important than your ability to rant on Facebook?

Here’s the thing – someone reading your cover letter or resume probably spends 15 seconds on it before moving on to the next one. In this economy especially, they’ve probably got a large pile to go through. They don’t have time to read through every task you completed while you were an office manager. Yes, you ordered office supplies. And you probably did a bang-up job of it, too. But…

1. It’s implied that as an office manager, you probably ordered supplies,
2. Ordering supplies isn’t exactly something you brag about at your high school reunion, and
3. All these lists take up space where you could be telling stories.

So ditch the list of tasks you were responsible for in each job. It’s dry, and takes up space without really explaining to an employer why you are the person to solve their problem. Instead, give some juicy details about two or three projects that you’re particularly proud of. How did you save money/streamline processes/solve thorny problems? Let your personal touch come through.

Think of each job you’ve had not just as a placeholder in your timeline, but as another opportunity to show how your unique experience will allow you to solve the employer’s problem. So show them.

Human Resources departments are staffed with gatekeepers – people whose job it is to keep you away from the hiring process. They’re not there to help you navigate the system. They don’t want you to know anything about how the job will be chosen, or what the real criteria are for the ideal candidate. Because if job-seekers could just talk to the hiring manager directly, and have a more active role in their candidacy for the job, what would be left for Human Resources people to do? Nothing.

To avoid disappointment, don’t expect even basic human decency from HR. Will they let you know that you’re no longer being considered? Probably not. Will they answer questions to help you understand more about the job? Don’t count on it. Will they, if asked, allow you to speak to the person who’s actually hiring, or even tell you who that is? Hell no.

So passive is out. Do your best, without being a jerk, to stay in touch throughout the process – they won’t tell you anything unless you are politely persistent. Try to find out, without asking anyone in HR, who the hiring manager would be, and see if you can speak to them directly.

If you manage to get that jackpot phone call, don’t waste it. Have some questions ready that show you are trying to figure out if you can help this person with their problem (see “It’s not about you”). Be polite, engaged and interested. That will go a long way toward moving your application to the front of the line.

Once you’ve had an interview, another dance begins. Will there be a second interview, and if so, will you get one? What will they be looking for in a second interview? HR doesn’t want you to know. They will dole out the information like pellets to lab mice, at their leisure. So again, just be persistent but unfailingly polite, and limit your followup to a decent interval – once a week, say.

The point of all this is, they want you to play their game, by their rules – rules they want to keep to themselves. So try taking a step to the side, and only play the game when there’s no other choice.

THIS: “Larry is lazy.”

OR THIS: “Instead of doing dishes, Larry has his bulldog Albert lick them clean. The ones Albert won’t lick, Larry throws away.”

What does this have to do with job hunting? Too many cover letters and resumes are filled with phrases like “well-organized” and “innovative” and “problem solver.” When you describe yourself like that, how does an employer know whether or not to believe you? Or whether your definition of “innovative” is even in the same ballpark as hers? They can’t – so your materials go immediately to the “no” pile.

So when you’re writing about your background, use examples of specific problems you’ve solved, obstacles you’ve overcome, and money you’ve saved previous employers. In other words, tell a story.

Taking the time and space on your job application materials for specific examples – stories – of what you’ve accomplished is an important aspect of convincing the potential employer that you have what they are looking for.

Think of it this way: you need to hire a plumber. You ask two friends to recommend someone.

FRIEND #1: You should go with Gene. He’s good.

FRIEND #2: Not only did Walter fix my toilet on a Sunday morning without charging me extra, he told me about a potential problem with my plumbing, probably saving me $1,000.

Which plumber would you hire?

So tell some stories. What projects did you shepherd through to success? How did you turn that problem into an advantage? What new ideas did you bring to your organization?

Also, job titles are all but meaningless except as content headings on a resume. Don’t let the job title speak for you – show them what that title really meant, especially to your boss. That’s what a prospective employer wants to hear, and that’s what will get you in the door.

The problem in that sentence is the “200.” Sending out tens or hundreds of resumes or applications means you sent out the same boilerplate information to all those people, maybe fancying it up with a mail merge so the cover letter reads “Dear Mr. Thomas” rather than “To Whom It May Concern.”

That’s a recipe for failure – mainly because a boilerplate resume and cover letter aren’t going to convince your audience to hire you. But also because it gives you a false sense of accomplishment – “I did all this work sending all that stuff out!” – and it takes away time from productive job searching.So what is a productive job search? The first principle is laser focus. Once you find those 10 or 20 or 50 job possibilities that you might have sent out generic information to, STOP. Take a breath. Don’t fire up the word processor.

Your task at this point is to research those jobs. Starting with the job listing (or whatever information you have at first), really evaluate each and compare it to your skills and experience. Can you imagine stepping into that job, and impressing the hell out of your boss? Don’t worry about whether you can tick off every qualification box they’ve mentioned. Look beyond that and think hard: Can I bring something to this job that no one else can?

If the answer is no, it’s probably better to move on to the next without spending more time on it. If you’re not sure that you’ll fit in – and not only fit in, but excel – how are you going to convince the employer of that?

If you’re not sure (and job listings can be frustratingly vague), it’s time for some research. We’ll get into that in more detail in the future, but for now, just try to figure out how you can really get a sense of what they are looking for. Research the company online. If you can, try to speak to the hiring manager for the job.

It’s only once you’re convinced that you can kick ass in a job that you should take the effort to apply. And what exactly is that effort? We’ll get into that in another post.

In the meantime, just realize that mass-applying for jobs is a bad idea. It wastes your time, it wastes the employers’ time, and it doesn’t bring you any closer to getting hired.

[At this point I'd like to say thanks to anyone reading my little online experiment here. Please let me know how I'm doing and what you would like to see in the future.]