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Best show on TV
…is VH-1′s “Tool Academy.” Seriously.
Well, maybe I should say “most entertaining.” But come on – let’s be honest. We watch reality TV to feel better about ourselves; to look at those poor souls on the screen and think, “at least I’m not them.” And nothing has provided the heroin-like hit of that emotion with more of a punch than “Tool Academy.”
It starts with the idea that the “tools,” the muscley, gelled-up, inked-over manwhores who star in the show, thought they were taking part in a program called “Mr. Awesome.” Little did they know that they would be joined by their skanky girlfriends on a show actually called “Tool Academy,” where they would have to work on their relationships through group therapy and reality-TV-style challenges. But they stayed, because hey, 1) they’re still on TV, and 2) they could win $100,000.
So begins the parade of male chauvinism, shirtless posing, endless cries of “bro” and “man,” and acres of tattoos, gelled hair and fake nails.
“I knew I was in serious trouble,” said Shawn, the bulked-up blonde with the fauxhawk and giant sideburns who had just been exposed in therapy as two-timing the girl he started the show with, “because this challenge is about infidelity. And I’m the biggest infidel here.”
Tonight’s contest was dancing the tango – won by Jenna and Ryan, an apparent refugee from Japanese anime who calls himself “Matsuflex” and compulsively refers to his underwear as “man panties.” (I am not making this up.) The couple, who has not yet had sex (although he is a constant “infidel” and she has had three previous boyfriends, all black men), won as their prize in the tango competition: a conjugal visit.
Is there any wonder why I love this show?
Stupid products division
To all those contemplating buying a Snuggie:
You already own several “blankets with sleeves.” They’re called sweaters.
Doofus.
Wisdom from FreeRepublic
“How did they take over VT? They moved there. They voted. They outnumbered the natives. I bet a lot of them are teachers. One thing—Most of them do not have kids, so they ruin yours. Who is having a lot of children? Latinos and Muslims. Take your pick America. That is the result of Choice. There should be no choice and we all know it.”
-Freeper commenter huldah1776 on a story about New England being at the forefront of gay rights
Cold weather recommendation
The hot chocolate at Seattle’s Best Coffee, in Borders Books. Most hot chocolates you get in coffee places are sad affairs – gritty and tasting of not much anything, especially milk or chocolate. But the Cocoa Trio is fantastic – gorgeous hot chocolate, topped with whipped cream, white chocolate sprinkles and a drizzle of chocolate syrup, stirred with a chocolate stirring stick.
Seriously, amazing.
Using a sledgehammer to pound in a nail
Bush dead-enders like Dean Esmay are glowing about the just-for-another-month-or-so President’s “victory tour” of his great “success,” Iraq. Which is sort of like throwing a party for the exterminator you called to get rid of your termites who proceeded to burn down your house.
Termite problem? Fixed. Yay!
Oh, and you didn’t really call him. He just showed up, in the middle of the night, while you were sleeping, and poured kerosene on your house’s foundation and lit a match. Still, those termite bastards are dead, right? (Oh, and he’s not exactly an exterminator. He just loves looking at pictures of bugs, and imagining how they will die.)
Also, Dean – using “Mission Accomplished” as the post title – really? Really?
Fun with pronunciation
From online photo guru Ken Rockwell:
Can you see it? Can you see the black pip just on the right side of the point-spread of the bright dot? The dot is the evening star and planet Uranus, pronounced “your anus.” (Some humorless science teachers tired of hearing the joke about the starship Enterprise being like toilet paper because it flew around Uranus looking for Klingons, and these dull sorts now try to teach kids to mispronounce Uranus as “urine us,” which is still pretty funny.)
Yes, it is still pretty funny.
Quote of the Week
“Most people find their other half. I just have to wake up and accept, already, that maybe there is no other half for me.”
-Robert Barone (Brad Garrett), “Everybody Loves Raymond”
Just that chance
Say what you want about Keith Olbermann. But he says things no one else is willing to say.
That’s sad. But thank goodness we have Keith Olbermann.